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* A Japanese doctor said,
'Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man, put it
in another, and have him looking for work in
six weeks.'
A German doctor said,
'That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in four weeks.'
A British doctor said,
'In my country, medicine is so advanced that
we can take half of a heart out of one person,
put it in another, and have them both looking for
work in two weeks.'
A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said,
'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no
brains out of Texas, put him in the White House
and now half the country is looking for work.'

*One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license. "You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it."

After a lengthy delay for plane repairs, the passengers were becoming impatient but quit complaining when the pilot told them: "Why don't you look at it this way? Wouldn't you rather be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here?"

You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered the suspect. "And what did you steal?" "A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject. "One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

The UN conducted a worldwide survey. The only question asked was: 
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the 
food Shortage in the rest of the world?" 
The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn't know what 'food'\ 
meant, In the Indian Sub-continent they didn't know what 'honest' 
meant, In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant, In China 
they didn't know what 'opinion' meant, In the Middle East they didn't 
know what 'solution' meant, In South America they didn't know what 
'please' meant, And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the 
world' meant!

Roses are red, violets are blue Monkeys like you should be kept in the zoo. 

Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too 
Not in a cage but laughing at you... 

Twinkle Twinkle little star 
You should know what you are 
And once you know what you are 
Mental hospital is not so far. 


God saw me hungry, HE created pizza. 
HE saw me thirsty, HE created Pepsi
HE saw me in dark, HE created light 
HE saw me without problems, HE created YOU.


When u feel sad....
To cheer up just go to the mirror and say,
"damn I am really so cute" u will overcome your sadness.
But don't make this a habit.....
Coz liars go to hell !

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation? "
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

One day, two blondes were in a horse pasture. Then one of the blondes said," Look at that horse with one eye!" The other blonde then covered up one eye and asked,"Where?"

There was a German, an American and a Blonde. The German said he was the first on Mars. The American said he was the first on the moon. The blonde said she would be the first one on the sun. The German and the American laughed. "How are you gonna do that?!" they asked. The Blond smiled and said "I have a secret... I'll go at night."

One day a blonde, brunette, and a red head were all driving in the desert and the car ran out of gas. The brunette said that everyone should take on thing that they need out of the car. The brunette took some food and water out of the trunk. The red head got the first aid kit from the glove box. The blonde broke off the car door. "Why did you get the car door?" asked the brunette. "Because if we get too hot we can just roll down the window!"

A woman calls a rural fire station yelling franticaly, "My barn is on fire! Help!" The dispatcher on the other end asked, "How do we get there?" She said, "You still have that red truck, don't you?"

here's a blonde driving on the freeway when her husband calls her cell phone. He says,"Honey! Be careful!!! I'm watching the news and on the freeway there's a car driving the wrong way!" She replies,"There's not just one, there's freaking hundreds of them!!!!!",

A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet." The blonde replied. A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped form the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50. No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars." The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out." "That's okay!" The blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

.A redneck is sitting in a bar drinking minding his own business when a large asian man goes over to him and knocks him off his chair. He then tells the redneck, " That was a karate chop from Korea." The redneck is mad but he gets up and goes back to drinking. All of a sudden the asian man knocks him over again and says, " That was a judo chop from Korea." The redneck is real mad now so he leaves and comes back an hour later. He goes over to the asian man and knocks him off the stool knocking him out cold. He turns at the bartender and says, " When he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from K-Mart."

One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license. "You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it."

A blonde lady and a man are in an elevator. The blonde obviously just ending a hard day of work and says, "T.G.I.F." The man sort of laughing and says, "S.H.I.T." The lady frusrated says again, "T.G.I.F." Again the man says, "S.H.I.T." The lady turns to the man and says, "How dare you swear in the presence of a lady! T.G.I.F.; Thank God It's Friday." The man turns to her and says, "I wasn't swearing! S.H.I.T.; Sorry Honey It's Thursday. "

Why are there no Wal-Marts in Afghanistan? Because there are too many Targets!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!'' "Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!'' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?" The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!" The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one. "Meow," says the redhead. "It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack. "Woof," says the brunette. "Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack. "Potatoes," says the blonde.

Two blondes are nailing in roof tiles. One of them is pulling nails from his jar and if they face him, he throws them away. The other blonde asks what he's doing. "Duh. I'm throwing away the defective ones.""No, stupid! Those are for the other side of the roof."

A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs. "Here we go again."

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